"MINCE PIES AND ORANGE JUICE"

WHEN I WOKE UP LAST WEDNESDAY MORNING I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EYES.

ALL LINED UP ON MY GARDEN WALL WERE LOTS OF CHRISTMAS MINCE PIES.

I'VE HEARD OF FEEDING THE BIRDS MY FRIENDS BUT IT LOOKED LIKE A BAKERS SHOP .

ON EVERY TURRET OF EVERY BRICK A MINCE PIE WAS PLONKED ON TOP.

NOW THIS DIVIDER WALL IS SO HIGH ABOUT SEVEN FEET I'D SAY.

AND BEING ONLY FIVE FOOT TALL I CARN'T REACH THE TOP NO WAY.

MY THOUGHTS TURNED STRAIGHT TO VERMIN AS SOON AS I SPIED THEM ALL.

I WOULD HAVE KNOCKED THEM OVER IF HAD I BEEN SIX FOOT TALL.

THIS MAN WHO LIVES THERE OVER THE WALL LIVES ALONE WHATS HE THINKING ABOUT.

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF IS HE STUPID OR WHAT FOR PUTTING ALL THAT LOT OUT.

I STUDIED AND STILL COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'D PUT SO MANY ON THERE.

IN ANOTHER HOUR WHEN DAYLIGHT BREAKS BIRDS WILL BE EVERYWHERE.

" THE BIRDS" FILM OF ALFRED HITCHCOCK WOULDN'T HAVE HAD A LOOK IN.

I'M A BELIEVER OF NOT WASTING FOOD YES I DO THINK IT'S A SIN.

BUT TO ME THIS WAS SO REDICULOUS FAR TOO MANY AT ONCE.

I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK IT'S NOT ME MOTHERHEN BUT HIM WHO IS THE DUNCE.

SO I QUICKLY WASHED AND DRESSED MYSELF AND I TOOK A WALK AROUND.

UP THE ROAD AND DOWN THE NEXT AVENUE AND AT LAST I FINALLY FOUND.

A BIG DETATCHED HOUSE RECENTLY BUILT BUT THE WALL IT BELONGS TO ME.

IT'S BEEN HERE SINCE MY HOME WAS BUILT DIVIDING HIS LAND FROM ME.

IN THE WALL THERE IS NO OPENING SO YOU HAVE TO WALK RIGHT ROUND.

LIKE IV'E SAID UP MY ROAD DOWN THE NEXT AVENUE IT'S BUILT IN VERY LARGE GROUNDS.

WHEN I WALKED UP THE DRIVE ALL HIS CURTAINS WERE CLOSED IT WAS ONLY ABOUT 7AM.

I WANTED TO SPEAK TO HIM EARLY ABOUT THE MINCE PIES AND THEN

I NOTICED HIM IN THE KITCHEN WINDOW LOOKING OUT AT ME.

ANGRY I CARRIED ON WALKING COS THESE PIES WERE BUGGING ME.

SO I RANG THE FRONT DOORBELL AND IN TWO MINUTES THIS BIG GUY HE APPEARED.

LOOKING STERN AND OGRE LIKE BUT MOTHERHEN HAD NO FEAR.

MOTHERHEN DOESN'T SCARE SO EASILY SO I SAID IT'S ABOUT YOUR PIES.

ALL LINED UP ON MY GARDEN WALL WHICH WILL ATTRACT VERMIN AND FLIES.

GET AWAY WITH YOU WOMAN TALK RUBBISH IV'E PUT THEM OUT FOR THE BIRDS.

WELL I GATHERED THAT I ANSWERED BUT NO NEED TO GET NASTY WITH WORDS.

SO MANY PIES ARE A BIT OF A JOKE IT'S ENTICING VERMIN YOU KNOW.

OH WOMEN DO NOTHING BUT MOAN HE SAID TAKE YOUR HOOK AND WILL YOU JUST GO.

OH! FAIR ENOUGH I'LL GO ALRIGHT BUT WHEN I GET BACK ROUND HOME.

YOU HAVE MET YOUR MATCH SIR SO LATER ON DON'T COME TO MY DOOR TO MOAN.

IF YOU CAN BE THRIFTY WITH YOUR MINCE PIES I CAN BE THRIFTY AS YOU.

I'LL KNOCK THEM BACK OVER INTO YOUR GARDEN WITH A SATSUMA OR TWO.

I DON'T WANT VERMIN IN MY GARDEN AND THATS THE REASON WHY.

I CALLED TO SEE YOU BUT THANKYOU ANYWAY FOR GIVING ME MY OWN MINCE PIE SHY. HE-HE.

IT'S A WHILE SINCE I WENT TO THE FAIRGROUND AND PLAYED A GAME LIKE THIS.

BUT LET ME WARN YOU MOTHERHEN HARDLY EVER DOES MISS.

I'M A CRACK SHOT WITH MY SATSUMAS SO BE NASTY WITH ME IF YOU CHOOSE.

YOUR VERMIN CAN HAVE A PROPPER MEAL WASHED DOWN WITH SOME ORANGE JUICE. HE-HE.

I WALKED AWAY AS MAD AS A HATTER HE PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT I WAS .

BELIEVE ME I SAID YOU'LL GET A SUPRIZE WHEN YOU COME HOME FROM WORK BECAUSE.

YOU'LL FIND MY SATSUMAS AND YOUR MINCE PIES DELIVERED ON YOUR LAWN FIRST CLASS.

I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE RUDE TO ME AGAIN NOT THIS OLD YORKSHIRE LASS.

CAME THURSDAY MORNING WHEN I LOOKED OUT NO MORE MINCE PIES ON THE WALL.

HE HADN'T RETURNED THEM THERE FRIENDS BUT MY FRUIT BOWL HAD NOWT IN AT ALL..

I'D AIMED AS BEST I COULD FRIENDS AND A HIT EVERY TIME I HAD.

ALL THE FRUIT HAD GONE OVER THERE AND THE PIES I WAS HAPPY AND GLAD.

IF HE WANTS VERMIN IN HIS GARDEN THEN LET HIM I DON'T AT ALL.

AND THANX TO MY CRACK SHOT MOTHERHEN DOESN'T NEED TO BE 6 FEET TALL. HE-HE.

I DID SEE THE BIRDS COME FLYING AROUND MAGPIES STARLINGS THE LOT.

IV'E NO IDEA IF THEY ATE THE MINCE PIES AND WISHED AFTER I HAD GOT .

A SNAP OR TWO FOR YOU TO SEE BUT BEING EARLY IT WAS TOO DARK.

LIKE THE SAYING GOES FRIENDS MOTHERHEN IS ALWAYS UP WITH THE LARKS.

WHEN MY DAUGHTER CALLED AND I MENTIONED TO HER WHAT I'D JUST SEEN AND DONE.

SHE SAID SHE HAD SEEN THEM THE DAY BEFORE AND THOUGHT THEY WERE MY OLD BUNS. HE-HE.

I SAID WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THIS SHE SAID MUM YOU WERE ASLEEP.

SNORING YOUR LID OFF ON THE SETTEE WHEN I LOOKED THROUGH YOUR WINDOW TO PEEP.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I HAD MISSED THEM THE DAY BEFORE WHEN I ROSE.

MAYBE I WAS TOO BUSY DECORATING AND WRITING OUT MORE OF MY PROSE....

WELL THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY MORE MINCE PIES OR ANYTHING SIMILAR AGAIN.

AND I BET HE WAS SICK OF PICKING UP SATSUMAS IN THE POURING DOWN RAIN. HE-HE

SO NOW I WILL CARRY ON DECORATING FRIENDS AND CATCH YOU ANOTHER TIME.

I HOPE YOU HAVE HAD A LAUGH WITH KATH AND ENJOYED " MY SIMPLE RHYME" .

HAAAAAAAA