" LARGE SIZE MY FOOT "

WHEN I GOT UP LAST TUESDAY MORNING AND WHEN I SAW ALL THAT SNOW.

I KNEW TO THE LOCAL NEWSAGENTS I WOULD HAVE TO GO.

I'D HAD SOME COMPANY THE NIGHT BEFORE AND REALISED MY MILK WAS ALL DONE.

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF WELL YOU'LL HAVE TO GO KATH BOY!!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.

TRUDGING ABOUT IN THIS LOT OF SNOW WITH MOTHERHEN OWT CAN GO WRONG.

MY DAUGHTER HAD RUNG TO SAY SHE DARN'T DRIVE AS THERE WAS TOO MUCH ICE UPON.

ALL THE SIDE ROADS THEY WERE ATROCIOUS SO UPSTAIRS I WENT TO GET DRESSED.

IN THERMALS AND WARM CLOTHES YOU KNOW THE SCORE GALS EVEN A NICE WARM VEST.

I'D BOUGHT MYSELF SOME NEW BLACK LEGGINGS A FEW WEEKS AGO IN THE SALE.

ALSO SOME THICK 70 DENIER TIGHTS TO KEEP OUT THE COLD AND THE HAIL.

YES I SAID THESE ARE JUST THE JOB FOR MOTHERHEN UNDER MY TROUSERS NOW.

SO I SAT ON THE EDGE OF THE BED TO ATTEMPT TO PUT THEM ON WONDERING HOW.

COS LATELY MY WAIST IS AS LARGE AS MY HIPS AND I'M FINDING IT HARD TO BEND.

MY SPARE TYRE GETS IN THE WAY YOU SEE DO THESE PROBLEMS EVER END.

I STARTED TO UNROLL THE TIGHTS LIKE YOU DO BLIMEY THEY FELT PRETTY SMALL.

LARGE SIZE IT SAID ON THE LABEL I THOUGHT THEY'VE NEVER SEEN LARGE AT ALL.

I BOUGHT LARGE BECAUSE THE SIZES VARY AND WHEN THEY ARE CHEAP AT TIMES.

I HAVE FOUND SOME ARE SMALLER THAN OTHERS AND THOUGHT THAT THESE WOULD BE FINE.

OH! YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGHT DID? SAID I TO MYSELF SO I .

LIFTED MY FOOT IN THE AIR TO PUT IT IN THE LEG OPENEING MY !!!!

WHAT A STRAIN I HAD LIFTING MY LEG UP MANAGED BUT IT WASN'T VERY HIGH.

AS IF I PLACE IT TOO HIGH IN THE AIR A PAIN SHOOTS RIGHT UP MY THIGH. HE-HE.

THEN I STARTED TO LIFT UP THE LEFT LEG OUCH ON CAME A STRONG FOOT CRAMP.

WELL MY FEET STIFFENED UP AND MY LEG WENT NUMB AS IF IN A JOINERS CLAMP.

I TRIED TO STRETCH MY LEGS OUT AND THE TIGHTS THEY RIPPED AT THE CRUTCH .

NO GUSSET WAS LEFT IT WAS TORN TO SHREDS AND I TWISTED AND TURNED SO MUCH.

I WAS TIED UP IN KNOTS WITH ONE LEG THE OTHER LEG COVERED AT THE TOE.

WITH JUST A BIT OF THE TIGHT ON IT AND NO WAY COULD I BEND YOU KNOW.

TO PULL IT UP I WAS LIKE A CONTORTIONIST TRYING TO GET THEM BACK OFF

HAVE YOU EVER GOT STUCK IN A PAIR OF TIGHTS AND TRIED PAINFULLY THEM TO DOFF.

WELL HERE I WAS IN A RIGHT MESS I KNEW IF I TRIED TO STAND UP.

I WOULD TOPPLE OVER BECAUSE THE TIGHTS WERE TWISTED I BEGAN TO FEEL ROUGH... (BAD)

ONE LEG STIFF AS A BOARD STUCK OUT THE OTHER ONE ON THE FLOOR.

THE GUSSET ALL RIPPED AND THE SEEMS WERE DIGGING INTO MY SKIN MORE AND MORE.

GOOD GRIEF I AM IN A PREDICAMENT MY BACK ACHED I THOUGHT FLIP ME!!

I AM GONNA END UP RIPPED TO BITS WITH THESE BLOODY LYCRA TIGHTS HE-HE.

I TRIED TO CROSS MY LEGS TO REACH THE FOOT WHICH WAS PARCAIALLY IN.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I FELL OFF THE BED HEAVENS ABOVE WHAT A DIN.

AAAAAAAAH!! I CALLED OUT VERY LOUD AS I FELL I FELT I'D BEEN STABBED.

THE LYCRA WAS REALY TIGHT ON MY SKIN AS I REACHED OUT AND TRIED TO GRAB.

MY BEDSIDE DRAWER HANDLE TO SAVE ME A LITTLE AND IN DOING SO THE DRAWER SLID OUT.

HIT ME AT THE SIDE OF THE HEAD AND GAVE ME A RIGHT FLIPPING CLOUT.

FLIPPING BLACK 70 DENIER TIGHTS LARGE IN SIZE WHAT A JOKE.

THEY HAD NEVER SEEN FLIPPING LARGE AND NO GALS I HONESTLY NEVER POKED.

THEM WITH MY LONG NAILS I SWEAR TO YOU THE GUSSET JUST RIPPED TO BITS.

WELL I FINALLY MANAGED TO GET OUT OF THEM AFTER HAVING A TWISTING FIT HEEEEE.

MY ARMS ACHED MY HEAD ACHED MY LEGS WERE RAW EXHAUSTED IS HOW I FELT.

TWISTED AND KNOTTED UP FULL OF CRAMP AND BARING A FEW LYCRA WELTS.

ALL ROUND MY ANCKE AND OTHER PLACES THE BLOODY TIGHTS THEY WERE BINNED.

SORRY FOR THE COUPLE OF SWEAR WORDS BUT I DON'T THINK I HAVE SINNED.

EVENTUALLY I DID MANAGE TO GET OUT IN MY THICK WOOLY SOCKS WHICH WERE FINE.

AND EXPENSIVE TIGHTS I'LL BUY FROM NOW ON NOT REDUCED FROM THE JANUARY SALE LINE.

ROOSTERS ARRIVED SO OFF I GO ON MY BREAK NOW UNTIL NEXT TIME.

WHEN I GET HOME AND COME VISITING YOU IT'S BYE BYE NOW FROM